just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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