Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
