It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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