You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize