We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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