Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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