I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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