After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
