but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
