What a fucking waste of an outfit
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
In other news, I just burned my penis
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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