accomplished twins. life is a go
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Operation Purity has been aborted
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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