So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
