I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm like, not good at living.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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