I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
