Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
