Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
