While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
