I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
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