Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
