nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
