When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
