I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
