so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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