he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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