Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
