that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
