....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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