The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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