Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
