Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
