We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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