I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
