At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
