The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Never underestimate the power of titties
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