So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
