she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
