I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
