You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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