apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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