Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
