Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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