drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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