So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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