Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
