Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
