My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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