The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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