You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
