Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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