She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
