Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
