well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
me + whiskey = a bad person
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize