I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
