He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
