I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize