batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
