Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
