You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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