I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
